I've dealt with bullying all my life. I think we all have. I've been the victim and unfortunately, I've probably been the bully too without even realizing. I got away from the ones in school, the ones at my workplace, and even the ones on the internet I can ignore. But there is one bully I can't escape...
And that's me.
It's hard for me to accept compliments because I don't believe them myself. (I'm really trying to get better at that.) I think it's beyond insecurity... I actually believe certain things about myself, and it's stifling. And I'm not sure how to stop all the things that run through my head.
You're NOT ENOUGH.
Words are harsh, but it's my thoughts that are killing me.
So when it comes to my writing goals, there's this part of me that tears down the other part. It's a battle between the person who believes they can do anything and the person who wants to suffocate that person.
When I started writing, I saw one thing... my book on a shelf.
I'd make trips to Walmart or Target or Barnes and Noble and envision my name right there by Carolyn Mackler ;)
It took me three books to get my agent, and after jumping over that giant hurdle, I thought that was it! Book is going on the shelf!
It just brought me to another hurdle... an editor. And when I got one (freaking Random House even!) I was like, YES! Book on the shelf!
Another hurdle. It's a digital age. Getting a paperback deal is going to be freaking harder than even before... and it was hard then. Ugh.
BUT, I got another book deal! Paperback included! Oh!!!! Book on the shelf???
Even in paperback... not all publishers have distribution in bookstores.
That's okay. I know I need to be grateful for everything I mentioned above, and I am. It's beyond anything I thought I could do.
But after all that, there's that part that says whenever I start a project... "Forget ending up in a bookstore. You're just not good enough for that."
My inner bully is suffocating the part of me who wants to believe that I can do anything. She stomps on my dreams and tells me I'm not smart or talented enough. She tells me to quit. She tears down every word in my manuscripts. She laughs in my face when a bad review rolls in. She beats me, takes my dream and spits on it. Then I hand her another dream, and I let her do the same thing with that one.
How do I defeat my inner bully?
I don't let her win.
No, I'm not on a shelf... but I'm still writing.
I may not be thin... but I'm striving for health.
I don't know everything... but I embrace opportunities to learn.
Some days she's a giant, a monster, and so loud I can't hear anything else...
But some days, I'm louder. I'm stronger. I believe in myself and no one, not even me, can say I can't do anything.
I'm just looking for more of those kind of days ;)
Spell for the day: