Monday, April 2, 2012

Gettin' Shot on the Pot

Doing my fears this month, in case you missed day one.

Day two:  

BATHROOMS

Rate on the scary scale from 1-10 (10 being the most freaked out): 10!!!

Oh gosh, I know most of you already know this fear of mine, but dude, I’m sayin’ it again. Because it is seriously my NUMBER ONE fear.

I can not do bathrooms. No way, no how.

I’m afraid of getting shot on the toilet more specifically. Now, let me clarify this fear of mine. I don’t care if they shoot me. That’s totally fine… as long as I’ve got my pants up. But if I’m found slumped over on the toilet, pants around the ankles… ya, that’s it.

Now, y’all know the expression, “When you gotta go, you gotta go.” Well, I don’t avoid bathrooms, obviously. But I have learned the art of the SPEED PEE. Also, learned the art of putting my feet up against the stall door so no one knows I’m in there. Ya, you just try and do that. It’s not as easy as it sounds.

This also means handicap stalls are off limits to this here speed pee-er.

How did I develop this fear you ask? I’m not sure if anyone knows this, but here we go…

We stopped at a gas station on a road trip once and you know, duty calls and had to empty. Well, I sit down and look at the wall next to me.

Holy crap! What the heck is that???

Bullet holes! I swear! Bullet holes right there by the toilet!!

Thankfully I was already sitting on the pot, since I peed myself right there. I could not stop the wild thoughts of, ‘Oh my gosh. What if someone found my body and I was on the toilet! With my pants down! That’s horrifying!’

Yes, I'm standing in this bathroom. Those stalls are WAY TOO SMALL!

Still can’t get those images out of my head. Call me strange, but dude, if I get shot on the toilet, I’m haunting you all and saying, “I told you so.”

57 comments:

Kyra Lennon said...

Cassie, I freaking love you! <3

The title of this post made me choke on my morning coffee! That is a most unusual fear to have, but now you've explained why, it makes a lot more sense!

Sarah Pearson said...

Okay, now I'm afraid too!

Mark Koopmans said...

Can I just save this pic as my desktop screen saver, so I can show all the guys in the office, and they will all ask "dude, who's the short chick in the bullet-riddled toilet...

...What?

Oh, I know I *don't* work in an office, but I'm just saying...this has to be the funniest pic of at least April 2012... and possibly May, too :)

Marta Szemik said...

I'm not afraid, but I do avoid! I just hate public bathrooms and will not go into one unless I absolutely must, must, must and the bladder is full, full, full! When camping, my metabolism shuts down for 3-4 days at a time, and I only go pee - in the bushes! (Thank goodness for private campsites!)

S.P. Bowers said...

I totally hate using any bathroom not my own. Even if I'm at home I'll only use my bathroom. Not any of the others in the house. And being found dead with no clothes on/pants down/etc would be horrible! You're not crazy at all.

Cristina said...

oh, so there is a reason for your fear, LOL
Public bathrooms are GROSS!!!!!

Amber said...

Cassie, you crack me up!

I'm with Marta, I'd rather pop a squat outside than have to use a public restroom. I was raised camping every summer, so I have mastered the 'stick your butt out so you don't pee on your leg' routine.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I've had my morning laugh now!
So dying on the john like Elvis isn't something you want to do either, huh?

Tobi Summers said...

Oh my God, I've had this moment! Not with bullets though. But I donated blood a few years ago and got cocky and didn't take all the proper steps to make sure I didn't, y'know, pass out. So I was sitting on the toilet, and I started feeling really dizzy, and my only thought was, "Oh, I cannot pass out with my pants down." Of course, standing up probably made me pass out faster. But I got my pants up and buttoned! So I totally understand this fear.

Suzi said...

LOL. So when you're driving in the middle of nowhere, do you pick the quiet rest stop or the side of the road?

Retro-Zombie said...

ohhh.... I peed myself reading this... first real laugh of the day. I am a germ-a-phobe, I cannot even begin to tell you, my biggest fear.

Great start... to the challenge "B" is for Brilliant!
Jeremy [Retro-Zombie]
A to Z Co-Host
IZOMBIE: Visit the Madness

Joshua said...

Other than those walls being too short (you are so right on that, by the way), the thickness would mean not getting shot. Just saying.

Morgan said...

You. Did. Not. Just. Go. There...

Ah-ahahahahaha!!!!! Giiiirl, you're so stinkin' hilarious I can't STAND it. Who are you?!?!?!?

:-D

Deana said...

Ha! When I read that your biggest fear was bathrooms, at first I thought that you fear cleaning bathrooms. If that was the case...um me too!!! Totally fear cleaning a nasty stinky bathroom. Your's is a very valid fear too:)

Tasha Seegmiller said...

This is hands down the best way to start a Monday. Are you going to Storymakers? Because, dude, we need to meet and pretend we are BFF's despite our difference of opinion concerning Tom Cruise.

vic caswell (aspiring-x) said...

BWHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA

*deep breath*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

*cough*
*sputter*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAH

ohgoodness! they're going to find ME dead at my computer. suffocated by too much hilarity!

Angela Cothran said...

This is so funny! Is it insensitive of me to laugh at your fear? You kill me :)

Cassie Mae said...

Kyra: Morning coffee? Where do you live when it's 1:00 my time?

Marta: Right? Being pregnant was awful cuz I peed all the time! I couldn't even squat in the bushes cuz I'd never be able to get back up. Someone would have to help me get the pants up and wipe and stuff... ya, no thanks. :)

Amber: Pop a squat... hehe! I've mastered that too from all my girl's camping trips.

Suzi: Side of the road as long as no one can see me with my pants down. But if I'm with another girl, then in the stall and she'll stand guard with a can of pepperspray.

ilima said...

A ten? Really, a ten? That's hilarious.

Lara Schiffbauer said...

I just hate public restrooms. I never thought about death...

Rena said...

That's so completely awesome Cassie. Oh, and if you're that frightened of dying on the toilet, don't watch the lethal weapon movies...

Jenny S. Morris said...

Makes me laugh every time I hear this fear of yours.

Leigh Covington said...

LOL! This is my favorite! And probably the best fear ever. *giggle*

Cortney Pearson said...

LOL I love this! So hilarious!!

Emily R. King said...

Bathrooms are nasty. I wish most restaurants and public areas had mother's room because I wind up nursing my babies in bathroom stalls.

Feeding in the bathroom...GROSS!

Donna K. Weaver said...

When I was a kid, there used to be TV commercials that showed how super clean the soap was by showing the well muscled man's hand reaching out of the washer. My child's mind, of course, did its own thing with the image and shifted it to the toiled. I was always afraid that giant hand would pull me down into the world of turds.

K.S. Lewis said...

Lol, I felt bad laughing, but you wrote about this with such amazing humor. And I totally hear ya, dying on the toilet and having to be found that way is totally something I've thought of and feared.

Sometimes, instead of dying, I think that it's while I'm on the toilet or in the shower that someone is going to bust into my apartment to steal stuff. So random, ^_^

Gwen said...

Goodness, and my post today is about bathroom reading. I'm guessing you don't do that.

And that's a creepy bathroom, with bullet holes in it. But I've also been in one where there wasn't front doors, and it faced a mirror. Despite there being two stalls, only one person went at a time.

Tracy Bermeo said...

That would be so much worse than being found dead without clean undies!

Jaycee DeLorenzo said...

You are a too freaking cute!

I was laughing the whole time I read this. But I do understand why this would be a fear. LOL!

Happy Monday!

Jaycee's A-Z

Suzi said...

I hate to break it to ya, a gun will always win out over pepper spray! But if it makes you feel better... :)

Jasmine Walt said...

Wow, dude. That's a pretty epic fear! But justified, in it's own strange way. My advice: don't do anything that will cause men with guns to come looking for you in bathrooms!

Masquerade Crew said...

I wonder if there is a statistic for this sort of thing.

Rachel said...

You are hilarious Cassie!!!! I came over from the A-Z Blogging challenge :-) *waves* I am definitely following you.... I need a good source of humor.
Thanks for the laugh :)

Leigh @oneandoneequalstwinfun said...

This is hilarious! If I had a fear of the loo (I call it) then I defintiely wouldn't admit it! So you are funny AND brave! lol!
I knew there was something good about number 999 on the challenge.
Sopping in from the A to Z challenge.
Leigh @oneandoneequalstwinfun.com

Julie said...

LOL LOL the title alone totally cracked me up! I can't wait to learn more of your fears LOL.

Cassie Mae said...

Ilima: Really a big huge 10!

Lara: Ya, public bathrooms are just all around horrible.

Leigh: If we ever get together, and I gotta go, you are guarding the door. :)

KS: Don't feel bad laughing, lol. I get laughed at because of this all the time!

I always think an earthquake will go as soon as I hop in the shower or something. :)

Tracy: Oh gosh! What if it they weren't clean and around your ankles? AGH!

Suzi: But it'll give me time to pull up my pants!

Jasmine: Will do!

Rachel: Nice to meet cha!

Leigh: Ah the loo... I always spelled it lou, lol. And I'm about to admit a whole bunch of crazy things this month. We'll see if I keep up the bravery, lol.

T.D. McFrost said...

OMG This made me laugh! You're incredible! AHAHAHA

Tara Tyler said...

too funny! and the pic is the topper!

Jackie said...

Funny stuff right there! Thanks for the giggles. :D

Andrew Leon said...

You know those movies where the guy with the gun walks down the row of stalls kicking the doors open...

Daisy Carter said...

HAHAHA! This is fantastic! Um, not that you're afraid, but, you know....

I thought maybe you had this fear because of Elvis!

Jessica Salyer said...

Cassie, you're the greatest. I had public bathrooms, but not because I'm afraid of getting shot. Too funny, or not. :)

Hope Roberson said...

I think you just need to do what you did in the picture when the shooter comes in, jump up and scare them first :) How tall are you? I'm not sure my feet reach the stall doors, but now I'll have to check it out ;0

Rachel Schieffelbein said...

Okay, I didn't think about this until you said, 'no handicapped bathrooms' but. . .What do you do when you're with your kids? Do they fit in a normal stall with you, with your legs up in the air?

Melodie Wright said...

Dying in a public bathroom would not be a great way to go. But I'm guessing your odds of that are a lot slimmer than dying of a kidney infection from holding it in too long. ;)

Kelley said...

You are so funny girl. I'm so sorry you have this fear though :(

If we ever travel together, I'll be your stall body guard ;)

Juli said...

My #2 fear would be straining too hard and popping a blood vessel in my brain.

Yeah. I have thought about this way too much. :)

DL Hammons said...

You crack me up!!! You should be a character in somebody's book...except it would stretch the believability factor! :)

Emily Moir said...

This makes me think of Zombie Land and having to hold a shot gun while using the can just in case a zombie comes to get you.

elizabeth seckman said...

True story... the first house my husband and I lived in, there was a big window level with the edge of the tub. I stepped into the tub, slipped on a bar of soap and my ONLY thought was...I cannot go out the window and land in the alley naked.
So, I completely understand that weird sorta fear.

Cassie Mae said...

Tyson: Lol, thanks :)

Tara: Ya, that pic was more about the stall being so short, but I pulled a face anyway, lol.

Jackie: Thanks :)

Hope: I'm not tall at all! 5'7 or just a little under that. I'm not in heels or anything in this pic. Those potties were tiny!

Emily: That scene traumatized me!

Carrie Butler said...

Darn it, Cassie! I just recovered from the last time this came up. Now I'm laughing again!

Kela McClelland said...

This was hilarious!!! Great B post :)

Ella said...

You are funny! Speed pee...can't imagine now what you are going to do for P and S...

Great post...fun to read :D
Nice to meet you~

Emily White said...

LOL! Also, how have I NOT been following you????

Consider the travesty corrected.

Scarlett said...

So, I'm a wee (pun totally intended) bit late to this potty party. I can relate cassie! Thought there was no need to follow the rules the one night I was laid up in the hospital after our oldest was born. Passed out on the john... Woke to my husband holding me to his chest like a rag doll! Well, more like a Betsy Wetsy doll that is. All that ran through my mind? Please. Shoot. Me. Now.

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