Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Yes, Girls Poop Too

Doing my fears this month, in case you missed day one.

Day 16... is that right?: Porta Potties (Funny thing, and it wasn't intentional, I'll be posting about Pee at my group blog today. In case you don't get enough bathroom humor from this post.)

Rate on the scary scale from 1-10: 100000000000000000 (YIKES!!!)

WARNING: This is pretty embarrassing for me. Potty mishaps usually are. Please don't think less of yours truly if you wish to continue.

What's the worst kind of bathroom?? The porta potty. And yes, I've had to use these horrific things before.


There's this thing called Trek (for those of you who live in Utah and are LDS, you probably know what I'm talking about.) but for those of you that don't, it's this mock version of the Pioneers traveling through the desert with handcarts. Now, it's a boy/girl weeklong campout thingy, and since it's pretty much desolate where you go hiking, there's nowhere to piss that's private.

So they provide the porta potties. All lined up on the back of a truck.

I was 16 years old, and I tried to prepare for this trip by eating a ton of cheese. I mean, cheese is a butt cork, right? This was my logic.

I did not know that campout food (Shepherd's pie, Chili, Beef Stew... basically anything that can be made in a dutch oven, not to mention all the apples they kept handing out) would pop that cork like a fizzling bottle of Champagne.

Boy/girl hike, and I had the runs. (Yes, girls have this problem too.)

Okay, porta potties are the opposite of soundproof. I mean the WAY opposite of soundproof. They are the fart enhancers. Even the SBD's would be heard in these things.

Then there's the space they give you to do your business. My knees were holding the door shut. I swear the boy's butts were probably pressed against the door while they peed. This makes wiping, um... difficult, especially since leaning forward you'd smack your face on the door.

As if you need another horror story from yours truly, but here it goes. One of my million trips to the dump truck (haha! punny), a few of my 'buddies' thought they'd be real funny and try to scare the poo out of me.

My So-called Buddies.
They all knew my fear of getting shot on the pot, so what they decided to do was pound on the sides of the porta potty while I was in there.

Okay, it's embarrassing enough that I had the camping poops, but I know they all heard my not so silent business in there. Then I have to leave the john while they're all laughing so they can poke fun, and well, digested food doesn't smell like roses. When I stepped out, totally red-faced and rushing them off the truck before they inhaled, I noticed THE GUY I'd been flirting with the entire campout. Ya, the flirting stopped immediately after that.

All this combined with the fact I was terrified of the thing tipping off the back of the truck while I was in there and suffocating me in crap, made porta potties my absolute number one fear. I spent way too much time in them on that trip, and never ever ever ever again. I will pee on the side of the road before I enter one of these.


39 comments:

S. L. Hennessy said...

I share your aversion to Porta Potties. They are gross. But I have to say...the Trek sounds pretty fantastic.

Angela Cothran said...

Oh my goodness...YOU KILL ME! That would be so horrific. HORRIFIC! And you were trying to make a poop cork out of cheese? Oh Cassie :)

After thought--do trekers really say piss? I guess they do :)

Sheena-kay Graham said...

Porta potties are definitely not one of the things I like to use. Sorry your crush witnessed your campy nightmare. However you did find your true love in your hubby.

Anyway, I can think of something worse than porta potties. *dun, dun, dun* Pit toilets. My mother told me a story once of a guy who fell in one. I was in my teens and it was horrifying.

I've thankfully never had to use a pit toilet and never will. Imagine if you fell in (the pit) and got stuck for hours like the guy in my mom's true horror story? At least with a porta potty you can't fall in it and be stuck in an actual hole full of excrement. *shivers*

Jeremy Bates said...

Yeah, this is the thing that most people are reluctant to talk about, but funny shi.t! Oops, bad pun.

Have you ever watched the Jackass movies? I believe it is on 3 1/2 or is it 3D? that they take a full porta potty, with a person straped inside no less, and then catapult it in the air bungee style.

OMG! It was/is hilarious. You have to see it.

Um, ty cheese and bread. lol

Annalisa Crawford said...

lol Sorry, but that was so funny. I've only ever need to use PortaLoos for single days. But I do admit to choosing campsites based on how good the loos are, because I've had some real issues while camping!

Tobi Summers said...

Ugh, nice friends. I have the world's smallest bladder, so I'm a suck-it-up-and-go-wherever-I-can kind of person, but I share your hatred for PortaPotties. I'll do it if I have no other choice, but... *shudder*

Kyra Lennon said...

Oh God. Just the idea of any of that happening makes me feel ill!

Mark Koopmans said...

Hey Poopsie :)

(OK, it doesn't start with a "C" hmmm... what word for poop starts with a "C"

OMGoodness.... nah, I'm trying hard not to say your buddies are my heroes for the day :)

PS... Crappsie... I'm glad you are such a freakin' RockStar for sharing... I *sooo* needed something a little lighter to digest :)

Emily White said...

Ahahaha! This is so hilarious. No wonder you have so many potty fears! I'd be traumatized. *nods*

Jack said...

Traumatizing. Embarrassing. Gosh, Cassie, what else is in store for us for the rest of the alphabet?

T. Drecker said...

I feel for you! Porta potties are evil... EVIL. But, honestly, I'm scared of pit-toilets more. Especially, those stupid ones with no electric light. Fear pure.

baygirl32 said...

So glad I found your blog! following along from the A to Z

Joshua said...

I hate those damn things. Sure, they're private (to a degree), but something about smelling someone else's business isn't appealing.

What? No picture of the porta-johns? Also, why does "porta-john" make me think of a hooker being able to carry her client around in a purse?

Francene Stanley said...

Oh yes. Porta potties are gruesome. We're lucky to have modern sanitation. Feel sorry for those in the past with their out houses and a hold in the ground. Blog on!

http://francene-wordstitcher.blogspot.com

Danielle B. said...

Gawd your hilarious! At camp we had outhouses so when we had to do "two" everyone could hear it hit bottom. UGH!

Tasha Seegmiller said...

It's official - these need to be published in a book. They are just too good to make up.

J. A. Bennett said...

Porta Potties are scary whether or not you've had an 'incident' I would totally be freaked out by people pounding on the sides as well, so rude! Funny story though :)

Cassie Mae said...

Sheena: Yes! Pit toilets are freaky and I've heard of someone falling in too. Gosh that would be awful!!

Kyra: Me too :)

Jack: You shall see... :)

T. Drecker: There's ones with no light??? AGH!

Cassie Mae said...

baygirl32: Nice to meet you!

Slam Dunk said...

Too funny Cassie Mae. Thanks for letting us laugh with you. I think we guys take too much pride in pooping--port-a-potty or wherever.

Donna K. Weaver said...

Oh, hubby and I were Ma and Pa a few years ago for Trek (I died). One place the porta potties were well past needing to have been emptied. Let me tell you, it's too too gross when you really gotta go and when you enter the porta potty you can SEE up close the piles of poop. Serious gag!

Johanna Garth said...

That is a horrific story. And it reminded me that I'm supposed to practice squatting and peeing in the backyard with my daughter before she heads off to Girl Scout camp this weekend.

Fun times!!

Cortney Pearson said...

Sorry to laugh at your expense, Cassie, but I'm busting a gut here! This is so hilarious, and yet super sad too! I HATE porta potties! You poor thing. Going to check out the pee post now.

Jenny S. Morris said...

Oh my heck! That has to go in a book. See that is comedy genius. Oh, and if I guy can't handle a little bit of fart noises and non-rosyness then he wasn't worth flirting with.

Morgan said...

Ha! Oh dear... I just came from FFF... you and your P words today!

Cass, you need to write a book. Oh, you have? I'm glad. Well, you need to write a book that has all of your crazzzzy stories in them ;)

Carrie Butler said...

Okay, after reading that, I think I'll be joining you on the side of the road. LOL

Jaycee DeLorenzo said...

I literally just snorted coffee OUT of my nose. I was gone the second I read cheese and butt cork.

Now, I think I'm even more scared of porta poties. I used to just think they're disgusting; now they're disgusting and death traps!

DEZMOND said...

oh, you poor soul.... :(

G. Thomas Boston said...

Hilarious! And I agree that anything is better than those porta-potties; the side of the road, the woods, a ditch, the side of a porta-potty, whatever!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

So far the port-o-potties are winning.

Lynn(e) Schmidt said...

This was by far the best thing I've read today. I also loved the fact that you used the word "Butt Cork".

You're awesome.

Also, I am terrified of porta potties, too. They smell weird, they're small, and they do enhance the farting noises...all around awful. Oh, and then if there isn't hand sanitizer, I freak out.

Emily Moir said...

Oh my. I wouldn't be fond of porta potties after that incident either.

Tracy Bermeo (aka A2Z Mommy) said...

I don't like porta potties either (loved your pun in the post) but I find it even worse when trying to get kids to go in them. UGH! Gross! Don't fall in! Don't touch ANYTHING! And whatever you do, don't look down before you go just to see where it all goes.
A2ZMommy and What’s In Between

vic caswell (aspiring-x) said...

awwww man!
that's awful!
mean kids.

Hope Roberson said...

Oh yeah, those are the worst! My friends and I, for some crazy reason, used to 'collect' Honey Bucket stickers in high school. Yeah, we were way naughty :) I'll never forget when I had to take my daughter in one for the first time. She was itty bitty and I was so afraid I was going to loose her in there!

Candylynn Fite said...

omg, I'll never, ever see cheese the same way again! Cassie, you never cease to crack me the hell up!!

Cassie Mae said...

Carrie: We'll be pee partners, lol.

G Thomas: The side of the porta potty, lol!

Emily: I don't know a fan of porta potties, lol.

Cassie Mae said...

Lynne: I try to keep hand sanitizer in my car at all times! I totally get that.

7319868c-eb8b-11e2-9c06-000bcdca4d7a said...

You had a very good reason (that incident) to utterly hate port-o-potties with a passion.

If I were the love interest (and realized it) of a girl in your shoes, and I heard her loud camping poops splattering and landing, and could smell every bit thereof, I would compassionately give her a hug -- maybe also a kiss on the lips, if permissible -- while leaning against the same port-o-potty with her poop piles. To me, witnessing such a thing would only indicate that she's a human with bodily functions, like anyone else. I see such bodily functions as neither funny and hysterical, nor embarrassing and shameful; and no legitimate reason for "buddies" to bail on or bully anybody. The "buddies" had an easy way to poke fun at u only because this culture has made bodily functions so dirty and shameful. But I would that nobody, male or female, be ashamed or embarrassed of bodily functions no matter how loud the burst or strong the smell. I'd prefer that people can just "let their hair down" about this. I'd just say about those camping poops what Shrek would say: "Better out than in!"

Thank you for a great post, Cassie Mae! Your being punny "cracks" me up! (A pun back at ya!)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...